Me, Myself and I

Another Med Update

2005-11-18T19:19:00.000-08:00

Time sure passes by when you don't pay attention, doesn't it? It's football season and I have been paying more attention to my bama blog than I have to this one lately, it's paid off though, getting loads of hits over there!

Well, It's been a couple of doctor's appointments since the last time I posted anything. October's appointment wasn't much to talk about really. Just another check on my weight issue (witch I still say isn't a issue!) and I did have labs done. I wasn't able to get my annual flu shot because of lags but that was taken care of this month, so no worries there. I did have labs done in October, so at least that gives me something to update about as far as my results.

The good news is...

My t-cell count is up to 418, for real this time. Wohoo. I'm still in shock because my tcell count has never been this high in the last 11 years. Very good news. My viral load, up also. It's not bad though, has been much higher in the past, this time 7,000 ppm.

Back problems are still persisiting. My brother the "physical therapist" suggested I do some crunches because it would not only help my back but slim down my tummy. Well, it's probably helping my tummy more than my back. I think actually I over did it the last time I did them because I sure was hating life the next day. I did 50 on Monday, Tuesday I could only manage 30, and had to force myself to do them. Wednesday I was in he**. Back spasms galore. I did manage to work most of the day, but did leave early. Tummy hurt, like it was supposed to, witch I didn't care about too much, but those darn spasms are not pleaseant at all. I could definately do without that. I won't give up on them though. After loosing close to 100lbs I do need a bit of help with the "flabs" I'm experiencing. Besides, I'm too darn stubborn. lol. I have also been forcing myself to get out and walk for 30 min a day. I'm not talking no little stroll around the block either, I'm talking high paced walking up hill type of thing. Felt that too...again, don't mind so much because I expect there to be some pain after exercise, but my shins felt like they were bruised! lol. Needless to say the last couple of days I have been slacking a bit hoping my back would recover so I can get back on the ball this weekend.

No weight loss this time around, however I don't put too much stock in it because, well, woman stuff was going on. lol. Actually, I had gained a couple of pounds, but on Monday when I weighed myself I was at 163, so I'm sticking with that. *wink* I sure would like to break that 160...and maybe 20 more pounds after that. Everyone says I look great, and I'm thin...I just look in the mirror and I don't see it. No worries, I don't think I'm aneroxic or anything, I guess it just takes time to get used to being smaller than what I was at one time.

Personal stuff. Well, things are icky for me right now in that department. I'm contemplating the thought of being single again, and with that comes the horrors of dating again. I'm looking good, not a problem. Problem lies in the whole "I'm hiv+" thing that tends to send the fellas off and running in the other direction. I have come to the realization that once you get to know me as a person, you either love me or hate me, and generally speaking I think most people love me. lol. What can I say, I'm a kind and loving person, nothing I wouldn't do for you as long as it is within my power.

My biggest problem is how and when to tell someone I'm positive, especially a "potential". As I have mentioned before, I have a hard time "talking" about it to begin with. It's not a subject that just automatically comes up in conversation. So, if any of you out there happen to read this, I have a question for you. Say you met a person, attractive, fun, loving, all the qualities you could possibly ever want in a mate, would you continue a relationship with him/her after discovering they were hiv +? I would really appreciate any feedback on this subject for future reference.

I'm outta here for the night, want to try and update my bama blog before the big IRON BOWL tomarrow. :) ROLL TIDE!

Wow...

2005-10-10T14:27:00.000-07:00

I guess I have been slacking a bit on updating this med blog. Well, actually I thought I had after my sis left, but evidently I spaced it somehow.

This is what has been going on...

Katrina hit, my sis lives just outside of New Orleans (20 miles or so) so after my neice's Christening in Tuscaloosa, my sister and her family came to stay with me. Needless to say I had a house full and not much time to post anything.

Medical wise, well, my bubble was burst. My T-cell counts went down, and my viral load went back up. Not good news considering I was hoping this round of cocktails would work for me. I have been feeling pretty good all things considered. I'm still having problems with my back, but I suppose that is going to be a ongoing issue with me for the rest of my life. I have a doctor's appointment next week, more or less a follow up with the doctor because of my weight loss. I haven't lost any weight, but with my sister here and the amount of times we went out to eat, I'm not surprised. I was surprised that I didn't gain any weight, but I didn't. I'm not complaining mind you.

I don't have labs done again, I think, until next month. (Nov) I have been suffering a bit with the peanut dust. Never in my life have I had allergies, move to Alabama, and whammo. The area I live around is known for peanut growing, we even have a Peanut Festival witch is next month also. Crazy thing is that I love to eat peanuts, but boy that stupid dust that they kick up when they dig up the peanuts is something else. Lucky me, lives about a mile from a processing plant, so needless to say I have been doing the whole sneezing, runny nose, couphing thing for the better part of the month.

Other than watching the Crimson Tide kick butt, nothing much is going on. I have been working on a new template for one of my other blogs...just finished it up, and it looks awesome, of course. lol. Yeah, tooting my own horn.

Hope everyone out there is safe and doing well!
t.

Medical Update

2005-07-13T18:55:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is two weeks later and I'm back with another medical update. Basically today's appointment was to go over lab results and get a prescription for my constant back problems.

Lab results...mixed, as usual. Pap is clear. Good news. T-cell count, 556!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never ever ever has my t-cell count been so high! Great news, right? Well, the NP said not to get my hopes up because such a drastic jump from 232 to 556 is not likely and it could be a lab error. Talk about bursting my bubble. I was about in tears when she said it was so high. Viral load went up a bit, but she said it wasn't anything to be concerned about. It's above 50ppm, but not a lot. Needless to say I had labs REDONE today to check out the tcell and viral loads.

Lost another 3lbs. Ok, so I have changed my diet...a little. Not a lot, mind you, not like I can afford to buy steak every day. I have been buying more fresh vege's and fruit and when I get the munchies (not often mind you) instead of sitting and chowing down on a bag of chips, I have an apple, or orange. I have been actually trying to force myself to eat more, but I'm not succeeding very well. When I am full, I'm full, and when I'm not hungry, I'm not. I do make myself eat at least twice a day, but even sometimes that is hard to do, and I don't end up eating very much. I thought maybe once I cut down on the caffine intake that would maybe help out my appetite, but it doesn't seem to be. *shrugging shoulders* Doc said I look great, so THERE! :) Did however order a chest exam and spinal exam.

On to that back thing. When the doc examined me he had me bend over and I showed him exactly where the pain starts, and how it radiates out across my entire back. He said it's inbetween the t-11 and 12 lumbar? I'm not good with all that technical stuff. Anyhow, what he thinks is that I somehow may have fractured that area and I NEED to have a X-ray. Fine and dandy, I can't pay for it. My social worker has been given the task to call around and find out how much it is going to cost and see if MAO can pay for it. We'll see. Unfortunately, the STATE has cut a lot of funds to MAO and any "extra" stuff may not be available anymore. They even had to do away with the food bank. How sad is that? I didn't use it very often, but I know a lot of other patients did use it often because they had to, now they are without.

Anyhooo, he also prescribed me the Flexer-all for my back. I'm supposed to take half a pill in the am, and half when I get home, and a whole one before bed time. He also made it very clear that if I'm in extreme pain I should not work because I may make whatever is going on with my back worse, I'm not to lift anything over ten pounds, yadda yadda yadda. I have to wait till next week in order to get the precription filled...I'm broke because of all the time off I have had to take. Fortunately it's one of the drugs that is on the Patient Assistance program, so after I pay for this one prescription, I won't have to anymore after that. Oh, and to make matters worse, my back felt fine today until the Doc started poking around that area on my back and the spasms just flared right up! It's not too bad right now, hopefully it will settle down before I have to go into work tomarrow. (Please, I hope!)

Well, that covers it, folks. Hope everyone is doing fine, kiss the kids for me, and yes, I got insurance on the car. :-) (Family, of course, but you can kiss your kids for me too, if ya want. I love the lil buggers!)

Forgot something..

2005-06-23T18:20:00.000-07:00

Oh, yeah. I have to chill on the caffine also. I can't remember what she called it, something fiberosis, but she said I'm going too heavy on the caffine and I have to cut it down. She is absolutely right though. I have been drinking entirely too much coffee and have thought so myself for awhile now. Not uncommon for me to drink a couple of pots of coffee on a weekend day. Yeah, got to stop doing that. Too hot for it anyhow, I really don't know how I do it. :)

Ok, now, I'm really out. ttfn.

Medical Update

2005-06-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

Well, unfortunately I am still having problems with my back. Seems to be on ongoing issue lately. I missed one day of work lat week, and 3 this week. Not good at all. I really am not enjoying my unwanted time off from work either. Nothing like spending two hours laying on the kitchen floor with your legs up against the wall crying because you are in so much pain that you can’t stand it anymore. That was the day I had yesterday. I tried going in to work, but they took one look at me and sent me on my way knowing I was going to be no use to them. I spent ten minuets in the back of the car laying down before taking the trip home, went directly to the bath tub upon getting home and there I sat for probably close to an hour before I was decided I was just too uncomfortable in that tiny tub and got out. The Ultramm that was prescribed for my back at my last doctor’s visit, did NOTHING. I mean, absolutely nothing at all. I think I could have taken nothing at all and would have been in just as much pain as I was.

Today I had a doctor’s appointment. Yearly Exam. Yeah. That was fun. I lost another 5 pounds. Concern. Sheez. I’m still fat. She said that the doctor would most likely prescribe me something to make me have an appetite. I told her NO!!! lol. I would like to get down to about 140, if it’s not an issue. (It’s an issue the NP and doc are constantly arguing about it, lol) I’m not trying really hard to loose weight, but I’m not not trying either. I feel good now that I have lost all these extra pounds and would like to continue to do so, at least for a little while longer. It’s not like I’m loosing 30lbs a month, although I wouldn’t mind if I did. Heh.

I also had labs done, t-cell, viral load, and all that. I have to go back in two weeks for lab results, and to get a prescription for a “narcotic” muscle relaxer called Flex-All. I think that is what she called it anyhow. The NP can’t write prescriptions for narcotics, and the doctor is on vacation, so hopefully I won’t have any bad muscle spasms between now and then. (Yeah, right.) I have some Laratab left over; however they have been making me so sick lately that I can’t even keep water down. Course I’m not in pain either, but at any rate neither is fun. I would prefer obviously for the problem to go away entirely. The NP would like me to get a MRI to make sure there isn’t anything “major” going on with my back, but, alas, I have no medical insurance, so it’s not going to happen. I never had muscle spasms before I threw my back out last year, so I’m guessing it has something to do with that. All I know is that it hurts, I don’t like it, and I can’t afford to miss work!!!! Unfortunately, she said that I shouldn’t work if my back is hurting me that bad, and I had no business even tempting to try and work in that condition. I got the old finger shaking thing, and the “You need to take better care of yourself! Work is going to be there tomorrow” and then when I said I can’t afford to miss work, she said “Can you afford to be laid up in the hospital for two weeks in traction?” Ok, she got me there. Message received.

I got my new prescription for my cholesterol problem. I don’t know how something so tiny is supposed to do so much damage to your high cholesterol. Actually, it would be great if all my medicines were that small, be a snap to take, instead of these horse pills they keep giving me. I think I’m supposed to have my fasting lab next month, although she didn’t mention it, so it’s possible they are going to put it off until I have been taking the Pravacol for a couple of months.

NP said that she wants to do a new genotype on me to make sure the med’s aren’t what’s causing my weight loss, but then said that she couldn’t do it if my viral load was as low as it was last time because there just isn’t enough virus to test. Heh. As for the mammogram, she said she wanted to hold off to get the results from the pap I had done today before moving forward with all those other nasty tests. That pretty much covers everything, I think. I gotta get up now, back is still sore and I want to TRY and make it in to work tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed. My next check is going to suck. Donations anyone? Just kidding. I'm out.

Yeah, Yeah, I know

2005-06-12T07:51:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted anything in awhile. To be honest, there really hasn't been much to say and I have been very busy with other things.

My car is about ready to die...cracked head...AGAIN. Replaced a year ago, so that's not a good thing. In the process of trying to get rid of it and get a newer model.

Been working on Blogger Templates, and one has had me stumped for a couple of weeks and occupying much of my free time. I never realized how complicated making silly templates could be.

I have been slacking on the oxygen therapy. I have been feeling pretty good physically, while not so good mentally, witch the therapy wouldn't be of aid to anyhow. I go for a few days really good on taking the oxywater, but that is the longest I have gone. I really need to get into a regimen that I can stick to, albiet lately a difficult task.

My last doctor's appointment was pretty uneventful, however I did get a new prescription for my back problems. I have taken it a few times, and it doesn't seem to be helping much. I guess It's going to be the stronger stuff. Don't get me wrong, the stronger stuff works great, I just don't like taking it very often because those narcotic drugs are additctive, and I have enough problems with my smoking habit, I don't need anything else on my plate as far as that goes. I guess if that is what it ends up being though, I will deal. I'm rather stubborn and usually don't take anything unless the pain is so unbearable I just can't handle it anymore, so I should be fine. It's just that fear of becoming dependent on something else that gets to me.

I have noticed that one of my medications has a rather nasty side effect. I had been using a different toothpaste and thought at one point that was it, but now i'm convinced that it's one of my medications. I wake up every morning with this nasty white film around my mouth, and it almost looks like skin..it probably actually is, although I'm not sure where it's coming from. I have been rather slack lately on taking one of my pills, not purposely, I just fall asleep and forget that I haven't taken it until the next morning. Anyhow, that's the pill that is causing this side effect. Ick.

Well, that bout covers it for now. ttfn.

Med Update

2005-05-25T15:00:00.000-07:00

Actually, not much to report. My doctor's appointment was supposed to be yesturday, however when I got home from work on Monday I had a letter from my doctor saying my appointment had been changed. It's tomarrow. Stinks because it is also pay day witch means I'll be doing the whole rush around and try and get something done before I go and spend two hours at the doc's office.

I was supposed to have my yearly exam....unfortunately (FORTUNATELY!) that lovely little monthly visitor has stopped by, so that will be a no go. Guess it will have to wait until my June appointment, witch really is no big deal because it's only a couple of weeks from today.

I have sort of started the oxygen therapy, but I can't say full blown. I'm a bit concerned about the possible effects while I'm still taking my medications. So far though, I have not suffered any really severe side effects. I have been drinking a glass full before I go to bed, purposely because I know my own stomach well enough to know how quesy it can be. For whatever reason when I lay down my stomach seems to settle down, so I really haven't noticed anything major. There is a bit of...how do I describe it. lol--I guess the best way to say it is that there is a bit of a bubbly feeling after taking a glass full. bubbly in the tummy...sounds like something "Tigger" would say. :)

ACV has been working great. I think in the last two months I have taken the prevacid for heartburn maybe 3 times. I woke up this morning with a bout, and did take some acv before I left for work, but I don't think I took enough and ended up having to take the pill shortly before lunch because I just couldn't stand it anymore.

Don't be surprised if you see some items disappear from this blog--I now have 4 blogs, and I'm going to *try* to keep posts related to said blogs.

If anything major comes up at my appointment 2-marrow, I'll be sure to fill in the dots, however I seriously doubt it.

Good Yes?

2005-05-19T17:21:00.000-07:00

Here's a better pic of the template I made.

It can be downloaded at:

Proud Daddy...

2005-05-19T15:43:00.000-07:00

I'm still having a hard time with this. My little brother with a little girl. Avery is adorable though isn't she???? Hopefully If things go well, I'm off to a family gathering to meet the new kiddo Memorial Day Weekend.

It Isn't Easy

2005-05-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

There are a lot of things that get in the way. People, medical issues, moral issues.

What really gets me is that even those who are educated about HIV are still hesitant about it.

Before I met my husband I dated a young man who was in the navy. We met in a chat room on the internet while he was overseas. (Ok, we didn’t really meet till he got stateside, but you get what I’m saying.) I was up front with him about my condition so he knew full well what he was getting in too, and it didn’t seem to bother him. We decided when he got back to the states that I would drive to Ohio to meet him and his family. I was a little nervous about this, but went anyway.

He was wonderful. His mother, well, not so much. A nurse no less. Someone who should know better. She told me up front that she didn’t have anything against me as a person; I seemed very nice, but she didn’t approve of a relationship with her son because of my medical condition. I would ruin his future. I would destroy his life if he were to contract the disease also. I wonder if she ever considered the fact that I thought about that myself, but in the end it was his decision to make.

I was there for a week and what makes matters worse is that I would overhear her talking to him doing her best to dissuade him from dating me. (He was going to be stationed a few miles from where I live and was on leave visiting his family.) I guess she finally got through to him because on the day I was set to leave, he said that he didn’t think it would be a good idea for us to see each other after that. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me; it would just be easier for everyone.

Talk about being hurt. As if that wasn’t bad enough I had a horrible trip back home, car broke down and I was stuck in Kentucky for a day, then once I finally got back into Alabama I was in an accident, still 5 hours from home. (I wasn’t hurt, other than my feelings anyhow. I hydroplaned on a bridge and did about 10 360’s hitting both sides of the bridge. Amazingly the only damage to the car was a broken tire rod.)

I don’t know what changed his mind, but we did end up dating for quite a while once he did get stationed in Florida. It didn’t last, but I should have known it wouldn’t. He was much younger than me, and wanted different things. Doomed from the beginning I suppose but it was fun, and I still consider him a great guy.

I will never forget his mother though.

Messed Up Days

2005-05-13T20:03:00.000-07:00

Yeah, It's been one of those lovely days. I'm not one to be all superstitious, but Friday the 13th, yeah.

I walked into work and all heck was breaking loose. Military pay day, Brac closure list, yadda yadda.

In all the hecticness I spilled hot coffee all over my hand. Surprisingly, no burn, although at the time it hurt like you can imagine. I really didn't have time to be concerned about the pain though.

If nothing else I can say that this past week hasn't been a total loss. I managed to do something nice for someone I have only known for a short time, made her very happy in the process, witch in turn makes me happy. I have been working on a template for someone, I have to say it turned out wonderfully. If you would like to take a peek, you can check it out here. I'll be working on some more, sometime.

If you can't tell, I'm in one of those icky moods. I am guessing it's just that I'm tired. Don't feel like doing much of anything but sleeping. When I got home from work and watching my favorite soap I took a nap. Ended up not getting out of the bed until after 7. Yes, I could have stayed there, but I knew if I didn't get up I would never get to sleep tonight.

Seems like I do really well until mid week and then everything catches up with me and I find myself in total exhaustion. I never did get started with the oxygen therapy last Sunday like I had planned. Seemed like things just kept popping up to distract me from it.

I did get a lovely picture of my new niece this week...Here she is with mommy.

Notice how the new mom looks as if she dropped all the baby weight? I'm not surprised...This is a woman who thought it would be a good idea to run 2 miles when she was six months pregnant. :)
Too bad the rest of us women on this planet can't be so lucky.

Water pump on the old lovely car is gone. I spent a half hour at the auto parts place buying parts, well, it wouldn't have taken that long if I had not forgotten to get a new muffler and had to go back in. Yes, my car is falling apart. I really need a new vehicle. I'll never afford it, so if anyone would like to make a large donation, have at it! Just Kidding, of course. I couldn't afford the insurance or taxes on a new car even if one was given to me.

Hey, don't say I didn't warn you I was in a icky mood. Ok, so I will stop for now. Nightie Night.

Oxygen Therapy for Aids/Cancer/others

2005-05-07T16:26:00.000-07:00

The article is a bit outdated, however if there is any truth to it at all our government should be ashamed! This article is much like the last one I posted, however It seemed to me when I read this one that there were parts left out of the prior one I had read. Here it is, if you are interested. I have been holding off on doing this because I'm a bit concerned about the side effects that may come about while my body is getting rid of the toxins and virii. I wanted to see if I could possibly take some time off work, just in case things got a bit icky and I wouldn't be able to work, however I think I'm going to go ahead and start the 10 week process on Sunday. I have no idea how this is going to pan out, but if this works half as well as the apple cider vinegar remedy has worked for me it will be happily received.

I haven't been taking the ACV everyday like I should be, but on average for the last month since I have been weening off the Prevacid, I think I have gotten heartburn maybe once or twice a week at the most, and as soon as I took the ACV concoction, I felt better. I'm going to start taking it regularly however because I discovered today while doing some more reading on the use of ACV that it helps with skin problems and I suffer from severe dry skin as well as a few other ailments that are listed on this website. (Probably most of us suffer from at least one of the listed ailments.) I can say I haven't had the sleep problems I was having before, thankfully. Nost sure if it's the hot acv baths at night or if I just got adjusted to the time change, but I'm sleeping great now compared to a month ago. For the most part, I'm feeling great (other than the stupid back problems the last couple of weeks) so I decided it was time to make myself miserable by starting the H2o2 therapy. :) Just like a woman, ya know.

The Nest

I have everything moved to blogspot now and the blog is up and running, however I'm not happy with the graphics I made. Yeah, picky, picky, I am at that. I worked on some more graphics today, witch I think turned out really nice, but the true test will be once I get it coded into the page.
Anyone out there who isn't using photoshop, you really need to at least give it a test drive. I have used it pretty much since I can remember. Within the last year when my computer was upgraded I got a newer version, and haven't really played around with it too mcuh until recently. Sure does have a lot of cool features that I didn't know about before. I even used one of them on the graphics that I made today and it was sooooo easy. Probably took me all of a hour and a half, if that long.
After I'm done re-doing my redo, I'll get to setting up a new page so I can start working on some blogger templates. I sure know how to keep myself busy! :)
Well, that's it for now. I'm going to see about getting some of the coding done while I watch a movie tonight, witch translated means 'I am going to watch a movie and probably not get a darn thing done on the coding'. babye!

Today, In History--->

2005-05-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

Avery Marie Boyle was born, 5-5-05 at 4:38pm, 6lbs 3oz. Yep, that means that I'm an Auntie, yet again!! wohoooooooooooooo!!!! :)

Toodles!

Frazzle Me, Dazzle Me...

2005-05-03T12:24:00.000-07:00

For the last few days I have been working on moving my other blog here to blogspot, as well as making another template for my 'new' home. Talk about frustrating!!! Just when I think I have the graphics the way it will look best, when I test it out, not so much. Back to the drawing board. I have the template all good to go, it's just the graphics and getting things to show up the way I want them to that is the trick. Ah, well, I will get it taken care of in due time. I think I figured one of the problems out last night before I went to bed, at 1am...When I had to be up at 5:30am this morning. I don't know what I was thinking. I hate when I do that, once I get my mind set on doing something there is little that can be done to stop me, including sleep. :)

Witch reminds me...I should make new banners to coincide with the new looks. I guess I can't complain that I don't have anything to do, and at least I'm keeping myself busy. lol. I had started crocheting a strand blanket using strips of left over yarn, haven't worked on it forever. Just another thing to add to the to do list.

Well, let me get to work, I am *hoping* to get this taken care of tonight, at least the template part of it. toodles for now.

Yummy....

2005-04-30T22:36:00.000-07:00

Orli...*sigh*

I'm married, not dead! Enterprise is on, so I'm outta here. Peace out!

HIV Myth

2005-04-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

Occasionally I lurk some forums for alternative health care options. Recently while browsing the posts I found an individual who stated emphatically that HIV is no disease at all and that HIV does not cause Aids. At first I thought the guy was a nut. I mean, come on, I have been doing the whole drug/doctor thing for my HIV for 11 years now. Could it be true that there isn’t any factual data that immune problems are not associated with HIV at all and could be some other underlying cause?

As I have said before, the drugs combinations I have been on have done very little concerning my viral load or tcell counts. Most of the drugs have been horrible to take. Some made me so sick to my stomach that I could barely function; others gave me diarrhea to the point where I would spend 20 minuets in the bathroom afraid to come out for fear of an accident. Some kept me awake all night, others made me sleepy or jittery, some caused awful dreams; as I said, they were horrible. The last couple of years they haven’t been so bad. I guess the doctor finally figured out if the medicines made me feel lousy I wasn’t going to take them.

They guy posting on this forum stated that the drugs that are meant to help fight the so called disease are actually what is causing people to die from Aids. Interesting, very interesting. At the end of his post he lists the names of doctors and scientists that back up this theory, so being the overly curious type I am, I looked into it.

I went to several websites, all basically saying the same thing, with the same references. One even going so far to say that the government is to blame for everything and that there is no definitive research identifying HIV as the cause of Aids. In fact, some of those who died from ‘Aids’ tested negative for HIV. Hmm. I am tempted to get re-tested to see what happens. I’m tempted to throw my medications away and just try and live a normal life without the pain of having to pop a half a dozen pills a day in hopes that this so called disease will ever get under control.

The problem I have with this is that I don’t know who to believe. For every 100 doctors/scientists who say there is no such thing as HIV there are 500 who say there is. I have no doubt that our government is lying to us about a whole handful of subjects, however I don’t like to think they would take their own citizen’s health for granted. What am I thinking, of course they would. How many times have we heard of government testing viruses on humans, Americans? To say I’m disgusted right now would be an understatement.

I’m not sure what I should do at this point. I can talk to my doctor about it, and he will most likely defend the fact that I do in fact have a ‘real’ disease that needs treatment. Why wouldn’t he? That is what he has been taught, and that is what he believes he is trying to give aide in. I would much rather live a relatively normal life than go on not knowing one way or another. We need more research into this, we need more information. This website has a petition for more research into this topic, as well as some insight as to what I have been saying in this post.

The Ouchies

2005-04-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I have had another one of those days that I wish I could just crawl into a ball and just will the pain away. I woke up this morning at about 4am with muscle spasms in my back, and no matter how I tried to get comfortable, it wasn’t going to happen. I finally decided to get up only to realize that it was only 20 minuets before I normally get up anyway, but thought I would feel better if I took a bath. Normally a hot bath or shower eases the pain a bit, but evidently that wasn’t going to be the case today. I managed to slowly get myself ready to work, the pain getting worse and worse as I went on. I have pain medication that helps with this, but it’s the kind of thing that you can’t take and work normally and I really didn’t want to miss another day of work after missing two days last week.

By the time I got to work, and basically crawled in the door I was almost in tears. I even took a couple of aleve thinking that it would at least dull the pain a bit, but of course that was wishful thinking. The second I walked in the door everyone knew I wasn’t going to make it, no matter how good my intentions of coming to work was. I did manage to stay long enough to help them out during the busy part of the morning and then my boss told me to get out of there.

As if the pain I was in wasn’t bad enough, my stupid car started overheating yet again so I had to pull over not 5 miles from where I work so it could at least cool down enough to make it back to the gas station to put some water back in the radiator. After sitting in the parking lot of a church for 15 min, in sheer and utter pain, in the rain, I decided I couldn’t sit there any longer and headed back to the closest gas station. I got to the gas station and had to sit there a little while longer to let it cool down yet again. Got out of the car and attempted to get the radiator cap off, witch I couldn’t, at witch time the sky decided to open up and really start pouring down on me. Back in the car I went, and sat and waited for it to at least die down enough so I could try again.

Fortunately this time I was able to get the cap off, filled every last empty container I had in my vehicle with water, filled up the radiator, took out the thermostat, put the cap back on, and headed back home. Stupid dang thing of all things, the car ran better with the thermostat OUT than it has in months!!!! Not one drip, no overheating, no nothing!!! The temperature gauge didn’t move a bit…reminded me of the old days. If I could count how many times in the last six months I have replaced that stupid thermostat, at $5 a pop I would have at least an extra $50 in my pocket!!!!!! GRRRR. I’m going to have to test it further, obviously, but I’m guessing that I really don’t need a new radiator and the entire problem I am having is due to that rotten thermostat. Every time I get a new thermostat it looks different, I am guessing they aren’t being made the way that they are supposed to be made and it’s causing problems for my car. I suppose I could go directly to the dealer and buy one that is actually made for my car, but unfortunately that is usually a lot more expensive than buying one at auto zone.

Needless to say by the time I finally got home I was really hurting, so I immediately started a bath, took some happy pills and prayed for mercy. I was in the tub for a good hour, no relief and the happy pills were doing nothing but making me sleepy. I lay on the couch for a while, couldn’t fall asleep because the pain was too much, so I got up, made a pot of coffee, and decided I would check my email.
I got an email from a fellow blogger and nerve pain sufferer who I had suggested try the use of Apple Cider Vinegar. DUH! I haven’t been taking the cocktail for a few days because I felt my acid reflux was under control, I didn’t even think to take it when I started having the muscle spasms. I immediately got up, went and made my cocktail and drank away. Not even 10 minuets later, the pain was gone and the spasms with it. Vanished, and I feel back to my normal self again. I don’t know how the stuff works, but it does. Stupid me. If I had thought of it sooner, or checked my email sooner, I could have gone back to work. As it was by the time I took the cocktail I would have only had a half hour left at work. Isn’t that a bugger! I haven’t done much but try and get some online stuff taken care of, but it’s definitely a lot more fun when I’m not in pain. I hope everyone has a blessed day!

Patient Assistance And Emotions

2005-04-25T16:11:00.000-07:00

I have to say Thanks to all the pharmaceutical companies out there who offer patient assistance programs. As I may have mentioned before, I have no medical insurance, can’t afford it even if the company I work for offered it. For those of you who may not know what the patient assistance program is, basically it’s for folks like me who have no insurance benefits, and no way to pay for the expensive medications that are required to treat various ailments.

Since I was diagnosed as being HIV+ I have never had to pay for any of the major medications that I have been on. I have never had to pay for a flu shot, pneumonia shot, or anything else that I may require due to my disease. On rare occasions I have had to come up with some cash to buy medications, for colds and such, but usually even those are provided for me. For the most part, the latter of what I have mentioned as been provided due to funding/donations from MAO, but the major medications have been provided to me free of charge by the pharmaceutical companies.

Now, while my feelings about some of these medications are mixed, I truly appreciate the help that has been provided to me, not only by MAO, but the drug companies as well. If it weren’t for them, who knows what condition I would be in today.

As I mentioned in my post about my last medical update my doctor wants me to have a full run of labs, pap, mammogram, and colonoscopy. MAO does so much, however they are not able to do everything. The frustration comes in when I can’t afford to see anyone that I may have to be referred to in order to have some of these tests done. I am due for my pap anyway, and MAO normally takes care of this, so that isn’t a big issue. (Other than the fact that I don’t want to get it done. J) I will be referred for the mammogram, because as far as MAO has come over the years, they just don’t have the kind of equipment to take care of this. MAO will be paying for this out of funding, thankfully. Unfortunately however, I may not be able to have the colonoscopy because again, it’s something I will have to have a referral for, and MAO doesn’t have the funding for that. My nurse practitioner said she would see what she could do, but probably I won’t be able to get one.

Really, I don’t want to go through a colonoscopy anymore than the next person does, but under the circumstances it is something that I really do need to have done in order to make sure there aren’t any problems. I don’t have any heredity issues concerning this, so it’s probably nothing, but the doctor wants to make sure that I don’t have colon cancer, or any other form of cancer that could be causing my weight loss.

For whatever reason, I’m not really too concerned that I have cancer. I suppose it could be denial (probably is) I just feel like it is ‘time’ for me to loose weight. Yes, silly I know, but I have been heavy the better part of my life. I figure it’s my turn to be thin, or at least thinner than I have been. I still would rather have the tests done to find out if there is something wrong, and have it taken care of, if there is. Of course I guess even if they did find out that I had cancer, I probably couldn’t get treatment anyway. I’m sure that MAO won’t cover that.

It just dawned on me that in general, I don’t worry about having HIV, or getting anything else for that matter. Yeah, I get sick, and sometimes I feel like I’m going to do die. I haven’t though. I’m still here. I much more prefer to get stressed out about how I’m going to pay the phone bill, or how I’m going to get my car fixed WHEN it breaks down again. I just don’t stress about HIV very much. I admit, occasionally I do, but it sure isn’t very often. I gave it to God a long time ago, and I know whatever his will is, it will be. (I suppose I should do the same with the phone bill and car, eh?)

I think what bothers me the most about having this disease is what it will do to my family and friends if I were to die. I’m one of those people who are more concerned about everyone else and their feelings than I am my own. I know if I were to die, that I would be with God, and that makes me happy, but it doesn’t stop me from worrying about my family and friends who love me, those who I will leave behind. Yeah, I am one of the sappy types too; I’m sitting here crying just thinking about how my dad would take it. My step-mother, as stubborn as she can be, I think it would hurt her a lot too. I imagine my mom would for some reason feel guilty and feel as if she wasn’t there enough for me. My sister would probably be horribly hurt, even though she’ll never admit it. My little brother, I really don’t know how he would react, and I worry about him the least. I know he loves me. He’s a strong bugger, he’d probably hold the rest of the family together. My husband, it would probably destroy him, especially being that we have been separated for the better part of our marriage thanks to the slow immigration system. (And we are still waiting.)

I really don’t know how the subject changed so quickly. As I have said, I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon, and I will fight for as long as the fight is within me. I truly believe that God has a plan for me; I don’t think it’s to die from this disease or any other for that matter.
I have adapted the song from “Finding Nemo” that ‘Dory’ sings…Just keep fighting, just keep fighting, what do you do, you fight, fight. Sorry to get so emotional. I can’t even watch one of those stupid long distance commercials without boohooing. Just for good measure, how bout you call your family and let them know how much they mean to you.

Time Flies...

2005-04-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

I had intended to write a lot more today. I spent so much time posting to my other blog that I didn't realize that it's already 3:30pm and I haven't even had breakfast yet. Well, I guess breakfast is out of the question now, but I do have to eat at some point today, and I have lots of mundane chores to take care of before heading back to work.
Let me get to it, and hopefully I'll be able to post something with a little more substance later on this evening. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just stop time so we could get everything done that needed to be taken care of??? *Sigh* Peace out for now!

Wooohoooo!

2005-04-23T23:37:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know what time it is. Sheesh.

Well, I finally got it done, how's it look? I finished about an hour and a half ago, just in enough time to watch "Enterprise". What the heck happened with that? I felt like I was lost the whole episode!!! I mean, I watched last week, and sorry, the one I watched tonight didn't have the least to do with anything as far as I can tell. Well, maybe I'm just too tired, and I missed something. I suppose anything is possible at this point.

Sure would like some feedback on the new look of this page. I'm thinking of making a few templates and putting them on a seperate site for folks to use, now that I have this figured out anyhow. I did make the graphics, and I actually have a couple made up already that I can use for any future projects I decide to make.

Well, I'm outta here. I'm so tired I don't think I'm being very coherent. Night, oh, Morning! :)

Medical Update

2005-04-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday’s doctor appointment was a bit interesting. There is some good news and some bad news.
I guess for starters I will go with the bad. The concern of my weight loss is continuing. I lost another 3 pounds, course we have to remember that this is over a month’s time. To me, that should be a good thing, but unfortunately the doctor doesn’t see it that way because I’m not ‘trying’ to lose any weight. I suppose as many times as I have tried to loose weight and been pretty unsuccessful, I should understand his concern, but I’m happy to be loosing it. Anyhow, to make sure that it’s just the disease (or the meds) doing this to me and not something else I have to have a full lab work up. What does this entail? Pap, mammogram, colonoscopy, and all kinds of blood work. I’m so thrilled about this that I’m jumping for joy too. As I have stated I’m not too great with the whole blood/needle thing, and sorry, the other three are just plain uncomfortable. Well, I don’t know about the colonoscopy, I only know what I have heard from my dad, and it doesn’t sound very fun to me.
My T-cell count is at 235. Not good. I think it’s been over 300 once or twice in the last 11 years, but being that I started these new medications I thought it would go up at least a little bit. Fact, it went down, granted only a couple points, but it went down all the same.
Last part of the bad news is that my back is down right killing me. Of course it wasn’t hurting this bad yesterday when I was actually at the doctor’s, but that is normally the way things go. I mean there was a tinge of pain yesterday, nothing major though. I managed to work today; mostly because I would have felt guilty for not going in, being that we had some big wigs visiting today. I don’t think I’ll be so lucky tomorrow. I don’t recall doing anything that would have caused my back to flair up like this, but there is no telling. Sometimes I do things I shouldn’t just because I don’t realize I’m doing it. If that makes any sense.
On to the good news! My viral load is down below 50,000. This is phenomenal for me, because at one point it was as high as 200,000. It has never been so low EVER. At least one of the medications seems to be working. The kicker here is that had they taken both the viral and tcell count at the same time, my tcell count may have gone up. I don’t know why they didn’t think of that, but anyway.
The doctor decided because of my financial situation that it would be better for me to go on medication to help bring my cholesterol down. Phew. He said I still need to ‘watch’ what I eat and try to cut down on some of the higher cholesterol foods that I’m used to eating, and I should start the medication sometime next month hopefully. (I have to go through the whole patient assistance program, and it takes time.) It’s called prevacaid. I have never heard of it, so if anyone out there has ever tried it, let me know how it works.
The only other good news is that the doc said I looked great, but he always says that. (Even when I’m sick and I REALLY look like death warmed over.)
I think there was more bad news than good. I don’t think I like that too much. Lol.

Hopefully, depending how my back is treating me over the new few days I will be putting up a new and improved whiteflyer.blogspot. I’m not expert at HTML, and it took me a few days to figure the coding out for these blogs, but I think I have done it. I have been working on some graphics, and we’ll see what happens. I still have a bit of tweaking to do, but last night when I was fooling around with it in Front Page, I got tickled to death whenever I previewed it in the web browser and it looked exactly the way I wanted it too.
Well, I’m off to soak in a hot tub, take some happy, happy pills and put myself in a self induced comma until this back problem goes away. Sucky part of all this is other than my back hurting so bad, I feel great. I hate it when that happens.

2005-04-19T15:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, It's just funny. :)

Boiling Point

2005-04-19T14:01:00.000-07:00

Yes, I am one of ‘those’ people who are easily irritated. It takes quite a lot to push me to the boiling point, or what I would like to refer to as the point of no return. I say that because it does take such an effort to irritate me to the point where I will just explode and who ever happens to be in the line of fire better ask for mercy.
I had one of those days today. Normally I let snide remarks slide off me; however for whatever reason today it just wasn’t going to happen. At least it started off to be a good day. This one person at work just hits that nerve on me, and being that I have been letting it slide now for a good month (since he started) for whatever reason he didn’t get off so easily today. He thinks he’s being funny when he says these snide remarks, and it’s not only me he does it too, but everyone. He started with me about an hour after I got to work, and progressed until shortly after ten this morning when I had finally had enough and blew up. It’s not like he wasn’t forewarned. I kept asking him to back off and be respectful of others around him. (I did so as nicely as I could muster.) He consistently ignores this advice.
Needless to say words were exchanged and while I tried to keep my voice down, a boss heard what was going on and intervened before I went back there and strangled the life out of him. I have worked at this job for six years, so anyone who has been there for any amount of time knows me to be a pretty even toned person, and only one other time have I gone off like that at work. I may leave the building mad as all get out, but I very rarely let things get to the point where I am yelling at someone.
This is the second time this week (and it’s only Tuesday!!!) that someone from work has had “words” with this kid yet he is still working there. It’s not like he can’t be replaced, heck I can do his job and mine and do both better than he does just his.
I was not reprimanded for this; I think my boss knew it was coming. She sent me on lunch and told me to cool off. I’m tired of being disrespected by a punk kid who thinks he knows everything.
The real kicker in all of this is that once I did cool down, I felt guilty. I realize I shouldn’t have let some kid get to me like that, I shouldn’t have confronted him in front of employees and customers (even though he was being disrespectful to them as well) and I should have handled it differently. I seriously doubt had I confronted him one on one about his behavior that it would have changed anything; however it may have stayed my temper a bit.
I can honestly say that there isn’t anyone I hate, even though in my case many would think that I should hate the person who gave me this disease. I don’t. Not anymore anyway. I would imagine that anyone in a similar position would feel some hatred for anyone who has hurt them or someone in their family. It isn’t productive, doesn’t accomplish anything, and pretty much just tears at you day in and day out. I will never say that I like what he did to me when he gave me this disease, but I have forgiven him because it is what Jesus would do.
I don’t hate this kid at work either, just wish he’d keep his mouth shut, or at least be a little bit more respectful to those who are around him. I guess it’s just something I am going to have to pray on a little more.

Tomorrow is “doctor day”. Yippee! Ok, so yes, I am being highly sarcastic. I don’t like needles, I don’t like the site of blood (rather ironic being that I’m a woman) and I don’t particularly enjoy sitting in the waiting room for an hour before getting shuffled into a mini waiting room for another hour anxiously awaiting the doctor to come in. (Two hours is only on a GOOD day.) Don’t get me wrong, I love my doctor to death. He’s a great guy! I just don’t like the stuff leading up to seeing him. Fortunately, I don’t think I’ll have to deal with the needles or blood tomorrow, unless something unforeseen has happened, or the doctor decides to run more tests. (Please don’t, please don’t, say it with me now!) I’ll let everyone know how things went. As TiGger would say…TTFN!

Banners

2005-04-18T18:48:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone. I'm just posting a quick one tonight to let you know that I have made a banner for this site, so if you want to link to me you can use it if you like. (Under Mailbag) I will be happy to link to your blog site also, just drop me a line, or leave a message in the comments.
I'm having a pretty good day today, I feel great! Of course it is spring, and it is my favorite time of the year, so why wouldn't I be feeling good? :) I'm just glad that winter is finally over and maybe all the sicky-ness from the cold is over with.
Hope all had a blessed day!

Wonders of Wonders

2005-04-17T11:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I spent a pretty much all day on this computer, doing not much really anything of importance. Just wandering around, visiting other blog pages, doing random research of whatever happened to pop into my head. I worked on making a banner but got frustrated with the program I was using and gave up. I forced myself to stay up so I could watch the new episode of Enterprise (I am a huge SCI-FI fan) witch is in its final run come may, and being that I don’t have cable, I have to rely on local stations for this benefit. Unfortunately this benefit means that Enterprise is on at 1:30am in the morning. I have been having problems with my VCR spitting tapes back out at me whenever I try to record something, so I stay up in order to watch. Needless to say by the time Enterprise was over (good episode btw.) I wasn’t really tired enough to go to bed, but my knees and neck were hurting me, most likely from sitting in front of the computer. Don’t ask me why I do this, because really I don’t know, but it doesn’t matter if I sit on the couch or in a chair, I cross my legs Indian style.
Earlier in the evening I had been sparring around doing some ‘light’ research on apple cider and peroxide remedies actually looking for the doses to put into a bath. In a nutshell, taking a bath in this stuff is supposed to be very therapeutic, as well as detoxifying. I generally don’t take much stock in homeopathic remedies; however I have been using apple cider vinegar for a week now to help combat my acid reflux disease instead of relying on the prevacid that was prescribed for me by me doctor. You have to understand that I have ARD so bad that before I started taking the prevacid I couldn’t even drink a soda without having severe heartburn, to the point of having dry heaves in some cases. I suspect that my ARD is due to in large part the various medications I have taken over the years for my HIV; however I don’t really have any proof on the matter. Anyhow, after reading some information concerning the use of apple cider vinegar I started taking it twice a day mixed with honey to see if it would stop my ARD. I was shocked, am still shocked, but I only took my prevacid ONCE last week, and that was because I got up late and didn’t have time to mix the cocktail up without being late for work. I had read on one of the websites that you should wean yourself off the prescription; however I haven’t had any ill side effects since using the apple cider vinegar at all. In fact, I have also been using it on my face at night before I go to bed to help keep those nasty pimples down, and it has shrunk a couple of cysts that I have to the point where I have actually to look to see them. (Actually I’m not sure if they are cysts or warts, but either way, they are going away.) It stings a bit when you put it on your face, and it doesn’t smell all that great either (but the smell does go away in about 5 minuets) but, hey, if it works it’s a heck of a lot cheaper than spending that big money on the other stuff. I also have problems with tension headaches, and while there were a couple of times this week I thought I was going to have to break down and take some Aleve, instead I took a shot of the apple cider vinegar (straight) and within probably about 5 minuets the pain was gone. (If you do this make sure you either rinse your mouth thoroughly or brush your teeth. The acids from the vinegar will ruin the enamel on your teeth.) It does upset you stomach a bit, but it doesn’t last long either. The taste is awful, but the reward is great.
As I said, I was a bit sore from sitting here all day so I thought I would try the old apple cider vinegar bath. One website said you should use 1 cup of vinegar per 60lbs of weight, but no more than 4 cups. Well, being I have never done this before, and I had just taken my nightly dose of my cocktail, I didn’t want to go over board, so I only used 1 cup of apple cider vinegar and a ½ cup of regular 3% pharmacy peroxide, mixed with a few lavender bath salts. (To get rid of the cider vinegar odor) The water is supposed to be as hot as you can get it. I got in, and it was almost as if instantly I felt better. It was so relaxing and soothing, I couldn’t even believe it. I’m not real big on baths, mostly because the tub isn’t very big and it’s hard to actually get comfortable in there, but WOW! You are supposed to stay in there for 30-45 min so the vinegar and peroxide can absorb into your skin, I think I was in there maybe 25 min. I was afraid I would fall asleep because I was so relaxed and end up waking up in a tub full of ice cold water. When I got out my skin felt great, I had a rosy glow, and I was relaxed enough that I got in bed and fell right asleep. That in itself is a big deal for me because I regularly have problems sleeping, and to fall asleep like that after getting out of a hot tub that would normally wake me right up, I was astounded to say the least. That isn’t even the tip of the ice burg. On the back of one of my legs I have a big blue vein that sticks out; it’s ugly, gross, and downright unattractive. When I was putting on my lotion, I noticed that it had shrunk!!! I still can see the blue, and part of the vein, but this sucker was one of the long ones, and now it’s maybe ¼ the size it was before. I’m in shock. I think my next bath I will use 2 cups of vinegar and the same amount of peroxide to see what happens. (You should be careful when using store bought peroxide; ideally you should be using diluted food grade peroxide.)
I strongly urge due to my results that anyone who suffers from migraines, heartburn, burns, colds, and sinus infections, whatever to do your own research on it and check out the link for Earth Clinic. I have a few other links I’ll be putting up as soon as I can, however it may not be today. It’s laundry and house cleaning day for me, so let me take care of the mundane first and I’ll try and get those links up as soon as I can. After the success I have had with the apple cider vinegar, I am so excited to try the peroxide and colloidal silver remedies. Unfortunately food grade peroxide and colloidal silver are not as inexpensive as apple cider vinegar, and I have to make sure the bills are paid first, so it may take a while for me to actually have enough money to get some. :( I had hoped to at least get some peroxide out of this last check, unfortunately I forgot I had to pay the old tax man so my funds are limited this go around. I’ll keep you updated and I hope everyone has a GREAT DAY!

The Good

2005-04-16T09:13:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, there are actually some good things that have come out of being Hiv+. Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It’s a horrible disease, the medications are often times worse than going without them at all, and getting sick isn’t fun for anyone.
The good: I have a wonderful doctor, who as I said before listens to me. I don’t mean just about medical stuff either. We have spoken about my personal life, my husband, my job and sometimes even current events. He actually takes the time to get to know his patients, and considering how many he has I find this amazing. He is not only the medical director of the Montgomery Aids Outreach program, but he also is a doctor at Jackson Hospital. To say this man has his hands full would be putting things lightly. I have often times heard some of the volunteers say that he’s a hard man to work with because he likes things done a certain way, however they show him the utmost respect.
I’m also very thankful to MAO and all of the people who are working so hard everyday to help people living with HIV cope. This isn’t all they do, however. As I have mentioned before, I only work part time. I have no health insurance and had it not be for the MAO program; quite frankly I probably wouldn’t have any medical care at all. I can’t afford the medicines or the doctor visits but MAO takes care of this for me and has been for all of the last 11 years of my life. I have watched the program go from a rather small outreach program; witch today has expanded and hired full time employees that it needs. Please take a moment to go to the MAO website. It hasn’t been updated in a little while, but there is important information there that will explain some things about Hiv that possibly you didn’t know. MAO is run on donations and grants, so if you are someone who would like to donate, it would be greatly appreciated to all of us that it will help.
The good: My husband, family and friends have been so supportive that words can not fully express.
The good: I am stronger now than I thought I could have ever been. I have had to deal with a lot of things over the years, but I truly believe had I not made up my mind from the very beginning that I wasn’t going to allow this disease get the better of me, I wouldn’t be here today. I try to keep a positive outlook on things and although at times it’s hard to not want to give up, I keep fighting.
The good: My faith in God is unwavering. While I may not fully understand the reasoning behind why this has happened to me, I realize that everything happens for a reason. As the saying goes, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.”

Life In the Way

As most of you can tell I haven’t posted for a couple of days. Not because I didn’t want too, more or less because of lack of time. Wednesday, after posting on my other blog I was just too tired to do anymore writing, and Thursday was a rather busy day for me. Again exhausted. Unfortunately this has been a constant for me. I get tired rather easily and this past week work wise has in itself been exhausting. I normally try to take afternoon naps but for whatever reason when I did I ended up sleeping far longer than I had intended, almost to the point where I should have just stayed in bed and slept the whole night. I have a problem this time of year, weather it’s due to the time change, or just because it’s spring, I’m not sure, but I sure do get tired and it’s rather annoying sometimes because this time of year in Alabama is gorgeous. I hate to waste the time I can spend outside enjoying the weather, sleeping it away. A couple of months down the road I’ll be sweating my rear end off (can’t afford to run the a/c very often) praying for spring to come back. If you never been to Alabama, about the only time of year when the humidity doesn’t knock you off your butt is in the spring and winter months. (We don’t really have a fall, just goes from hot to cold overnight. Lol.) The winters, while generally mild do tend to get a bit cold, but the spring…it’s awesome. No humidity, perfect 80 degree days, 40 or 50 degree nights. Best thing ever, that is in between dodging the rain pellets, witch we have had our fair share of this year.
Oh yes, I know, I am getting side tracked again. I realize I have just started this blog, but I’ll probably try to just post every other day rather than every day, depending on how I am feeling. Hopefully I will get over this phase of being tired to exhaustion soon. Peace out.

The Bad

2005-04-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

I don’t think anything can ever top my experience with having Shingles. As I said, some days are good, some days are bad.

Over the years I have had upper respiratory infections, pneumonia, sinus infections, thrown my back out, ear infections, viral infections, I probably could go on with this for ten minuets. This past winter was especially bad for me. I don’t do well with cold weather to begin with, but it seems like for whatever reason anything that came along I got. Now, I have to explain, yes, I am in Alabama, but it does tend to get a bit chilly and I’m one of the abnormal types that when it gets much below 70ish I am freezing to death. I have always been this way, lol, maybe it’s genetic because my mom seems to be the same way.

I would have to say that the bad (there is a good?) part of being HIV+ is the constant battle of fighting off infections and trying to stay healthy. My last doctor’s appointment didn’t go as well as I had hoped. My tcell counts didn’t change much, and my viral load went down, but not enough to even talk about. Considering I started a ‘new’ round of medications 4 months ago, I had hoped for better. There is concern because over the last year and a half I have lost 73 pounds, of witch I am not complaining about because I have been overweight the better part of my life, however the doctor thinks it’s a problem because I haven’t been “trying” to loose weight. My cholesterol is too high, witch I am told is probably caused by the medications. I’m being put on a low cholesterol diet…how is that going to help if the medications are causing it??? Might I just add a low cholesterol diet SUCKS!!!! I don’t have labs done for another 3 months (unless the doctor decides differently) so I have to at least stick with it until my next fasting lab, and I can tell you I’m counting the days. Don’t get me wrong, I love Turkey and Chicken but both are a bit expensive even if you are only buying for one especially for someone living off a part time income. I generally only spend about $50 a month on groceries so that means I have to get what is going to last i.e. pastas, casseroles and the like.

(Side note: I get side tracked easily if you hadn’t noticed.)

I have been considering asking the doctor for a break on the medicines for six months to try the silver that I mentioned in one of my prior posts, although I’m pretty certain as ‘hip’ as he is (when I first met him his hair was longer than mine, mine goes down to my rear!) he’ll suggest I at least stay on the meds I’m taking for a little while longer.
The bad part is the not knowing what is next. I can’t even count anymore how many medications I have tried over the past 11 years and how many haven’t really done much for me. Yeah, I’m still here, and I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon, but as far as lab results go things haven’t changed much and it doesn’t matter weather I religiously take my medication or not. (Some of the medications made me rather sick and I tended not to take them because of it.)

I don’t generally dwell on my condition because I really don’t think that it’s very productive to do so. There are times, however, especially when I’m sick, when I wonder how much longer I’m going to live to tell about this fight. My boss once said to me that he couldn’t live like I do being sick all the time. I really didn’t know what to say to him, except, yeah, you are lucky. Bad. Very bad.

Anyone out there who isn’t familiar with HIV probably doesn’t know that often times you just have a day where you feel so lousy you don’t even want to get out of bed. It doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does it’s hard to explain to anyone why you feel lousy, because quite frankly you don’t even know for sure yourself. It’s been referred to as having an “aids day”. My sister absolutely hates that reference and is quick to tell me not to say that. I have had a few in my time. Bad.

Really, the worst is the not knowing. I’m always at odds with myself about weather or not I should have kids. What if something were to happen to me, I would leave my children with no mom. What if for some reason the therapy didn’t work and the baby ended up with HIV also. What if for some reason one of my children were to get sick and needed blood, they couldn’t have mine. What if they never let the cure be known and I am never cured. What if…what if….what if.

Please always feel free to post any questions or comments you may have.

2005-04-11T19:34:00.000-07:00

The Ugly

2005-04-11T18:22:00.000-07:00

Most days aren’t really that bad. Then again there are some that are down right miserable. I have been through so many illnesses over the years that most people probably can’t even imagine. A couple of years ago I experienced a pretty rotten case of Shingles. I think the only other time I have ever been in that much pain was when I threw my back out, and that wasn’t pleasant either. Shingles pain is different though. It’s almost as if you are burned so badly that you can’t concentrate on anything but the pain.
Shingles, witch is also referred to as Herpes Zoster, usually occurs in people with low immune systems, particularly the elderly. Most kids these days haven’t gone through chicken pox, but basically anyone who has ever had chicken pox can get Shingles. Back when I was a kid it was common place for a chicken pox outbreak, so of course I’ve had it, still have the scars to prove it too.
For about a week before the shingles started to appear I had these shooting pains in my upper right leg that went from about my knee to my lower abdomen area. I fortunately had been to the doctor that week, but unfortunately because those particular symptoms could have meant anything it was assumed that I may have possibly pulled a muscle. The doctor told me to take a warm bath to soak my upper leg, and hopefully in a few days the pain would go away. No such luck.
I was able to work the rest of the week, but by Friday the pain became almost unbearable. I kept looking around the areas of the pain and saw nothing so I kept getting in and out of the hot bath hoping the pain would subside at least for a little while. Surprisingly for me it did, however the doctor said it should have made the pain worse. The pain started shooting into my back and I remember at one point I was in so much pain I was in tears. There were no visible signs of anything, so it was difficult to pin point what the problem was.
I somehow made it through Friday, figuring at least I had the weekend to recuperate from whatever it was that was going on. I’m not sure if it was because of the pain, but I managed to sleep throughout the night without much trouble, but boy when I woke up in the morning things just had not gotten any better. This time though I started to see small welts on my midsection. They were red, and almost looked like burns. First it was one, then two, and then on and on until just about my whole midsection from right to left was covered. It was horrible to wear clothes because of the pain and being that it was Saturday, there wasn’t much I could do besides go the emergency room, witch I couldn’t afford to do, so I painfully sat in this very chair and looked on the internet for what could possibly be going on. I kind of suspected what it was because about six months earlier about the same thing happened (the shooting pain and inability to wear clothing because of the pain) only I never broke out in the blisters as I was this time.
I honestly don’t know how I made it through the whole weekend enduring the pain, to be quite frank, after learning what it was I was suffering from I can’t remember much else other than calling in sick to work on Sunday, and calling the doctor so I could go in first thing Monday morning. I went to the Doctor that morning, it was confirmed that I did in fact have Shingles, was given pain medicine, antibiotics and something to help make the Shingles go away. I was also told I wouldn’t be able to work for probably 3 weeks and that the blisters would get bigger and worse, start to seep, crust over, and then slowly go away, after witch time I would have scars. Sounds lovely doesn’t it? It pretty much went exactly the way the doctor said it would. There would have been no possible way I could have worked in that much pain and it did last for pretty much the entire 3 weeks. I think the last 3 days I felt okay enough to work but was so exhausted I took the doctor’s advice and stayed at home. Oddly enough the scarring wasn’t quite as bad as I thought it would be. I only have two, and go figure they were the first blister that showed up, and the last one to show up. The first one was much worse than the latter one for sure though. For some reason that bugger just did not want to go away, even after all the others had gone.
I have to say the pain medication was awesome. Lol. It was good old reliable Lara tab. The medication they gave me to help get rid of the Shingles though made me sick, and I mean I couldn’t even keep water down it was so bad. I think I took it for a week and stopped because obviously I had to eat or things were going to get ugly and I probably would have ended up in the hospital.
I guess most people would be happy if their doctor told them to take a 3 week vacation, without pay, but I have to tell you it was not fun and games. I couldn’t do much because of the pain, and talk about being bored!!! I was so ready to get back to work I didn’t know what to do and that is saying a lot for someone who would rather not work at all if I had the choice.
Obviously things aren’t always this bad. I do have to say it wasn’t the most thrilling thing to happen in my life for sure. I can honestly say I would much rather have a cold, and I’m one of “those” people who isn’t too pleasant when she has a cold. I’m sure you know the type, grouchy, irritable, whinny.
I am thankful that I have an employer who is so lenient with me and my illnesses. They have never given me a hard time about calling out sick, and I know that it put them in a bind my being out for 3 weeks. My boss called once a week to see if I could come back to work, but I think he was just really calling to check on me. ;)
I don’t want anyone to think that having HIV is so horrible. Generally, just like everyone else there are times when I feel lousy, and times when I feel great. Unfortunately sometimes the lousy days are more often than the great ones and you just have to plow on through them just like you would anything else.

Family Matters

2005-04-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

I can’t even begin to express how much my family and friends have meant to me throughout this whole process. Supportive is saying the least, awesome isn’t saying enough.
It’s never easy for me to tell anyone that I am HIV+. In fact, it’s down right difficult for me to do. As I recall, it was my little sister who had to tell my family because I just couldn’t bear to see the looks on their faces, or to know that they felt sorry for me in any way, or worst of all that they may think differently of me.
My dear father, you would never know how much he worries until you have to sit and listen to a two hour lecture about how I’m not taking good enough care of myself and how I should immediately quit smoking because it’s bad enough I am HIV+, what am I trying to kill myself faster? (Yes, I know, I should quit smoking immediately!) My mom worries, especially if she doesn’t hear from me for an extended period of time, thinks the worst has happened, but I love her for it all the same. My sister and brother never really seem too concerned about it; although I’m sure they worry in their own ways and probably think the worst sometimes.
My friends, the one’s I trust with this secret, have been invaluable to me as well. Just knowing that I can vent my feelings out whenever need be is truly a blessing. Shari, Jeanine and Carol Ann, I thank you all for your love, support and prayers. They mean more to me than you can ever possibly imagine. Jeanine and Carol Ann I have known forever. Lol…ok forever is a long time, but 15 years is quite a while too, and there was really never ever any doubt in my mind that they would be anything other than supportive. Shari I haven’t known quite as long, but she has been a rock for me at times when I needed it, and always quick to throw in a lot of smiley faces. :)
My wonderful Grandmother, who has 28 grandchildren and Lord knows how many great grandchildren now (I have lost count!) probably worries about as much as my mother does. I remember at one point my mom telling me that she had told her (my grandmother) of my condition and she got so upset because she was afraid I was in some hospital bed dying. I know she prays for me on a daily basis, and though I’m quite sure she will probably never read this I want her to know that I love her so much for her prayers and support.
My husband’s family. Wow. What can I say about them? After a rather bad incident with an ex-boyfriend’s family I thought for sure I was never going to be on the good side of any future man’s family solely because of my HIV status and not because of anything about me. Boy, I was wrong! These people welcomed me with open arms and without a care to anything else. The whole lot of them from day one treated me with nothing but respect and love, and for that I will be forever grateful.
Telling potential partners was never easy for me to do either, but weather I liked it or not it had to be done. Come on now, sex was going to play into the relationship at some point and time, and I couldn’t put anyone at risk without at least giving them the option to get out of it. My husband, never ever winced about it. Just accepted me for who I am and not for what I have. Even though we have been going through some rocky roads lately (due to a SLOW immigration process) I love him dearly and know that he would do anything he could for me if he had the means too.
Jamie, my dear sweet adorable innocent (not so much :)) friend. She doesn’t even know of my condition yet, but I’m quite sure when I do tell her she will be as supportive as she has always been. To know Jamie is to love her, she just has the sweetest and kindest soul, and no matter who you are she will stick her neck out for you. Really, I can’t say enough about this girl, she is in a couple of words, DA BOMB! :) As you can see, there aren’t really many outside of my family that knows I am HIV+. Anyone who knows me knows I have medical issues, however they don’t know the origin. Personally speaking, it’s hard enough for me to tell people I trust let alone go around telling people that I don’t. There are too many people out there who don’t understand that you can’t get HIV by being a friend. A friend will always be there for you, through the good times and the bad and no matter what happens will always stand by you. I can honestly say that without a doubt my family and friends will always be there, and the fact that I’m HIV+ has nothing to do with it. Just because I’m me. God Bless All of you, and I love ya!

Aids Cover up?

2005-04-10T13:56:00.000-07:00

I have long gone back and forth about weather or not our government had anything to do with the HIV/Aids Virus. Yesterday I happened to be doing some research on the use of some homeopathic remedies and found a couple of interesting articles (by accident no less) that seem to verify the theory that our government did indeed have a lot to do with it. One article in fact that seems to indicate that there IS a cure has been a cure and that there is a patent already applied for said cure.
Mr. Boyd Graves says he has proof that our government made the HIV/Aids virus, has found the patent for the cure, and is currently fighting to make sure everyone knows about it. I visited his website (witch has not been updated in some time) and it seems as if the documentation he has found is quite evident. How he came across this evidence, I’m not aware; I basically just scanned the pages looking for updated information. Mr. Graves claims to be the first recipient of the cure and has been HIV- for at least a couple of years now.
The cure called tetrasilver tetroxide, evidently is rather easy to make and would be a cheap cure for the masses that are currently infected. The patent number is 5676977 and the name being given to it is Imusil or Tetrasil. Oddly enough, the main ingredient is Silver, oxidized silver to be more exact.
So, what does that mean to the rest of us? Well, you can buy colloidal silver anywhere on the internet, and food grade hydrogen peroxide is readily available. Why wait for some drug company to come out with something that is going to cost all of us time as well as money when we can at least get on with our lives now! Well, I’m sure as you can imagine there are ups and down to just waiting around, but if you happen to be one of those people who doesn’t have the luxury of time I would tell you to immediately get on a regimen of colloidal silver and even if it isn’t a cure for you it will help with any symptoms that may be affecting you. I can’t really say that for sure, just based on the research that I have done, I would highly suggest anyone do the same on their own before taking my or anyone else’s word for it.
I’m not even fairly certain that the cure that is patented is even necessary, to be honest. Everything that I have read regarding colloidal silver indicates that by itself it will destroy the virus as well as a host of other things that could be on your list. In fact weather you are sick or not you should be taking this stuff. If it only takes care of half of the problems that the websites list it would be phenomenal.
Below is a list of diseases colloidal silver will successfully treat. This is a partial list, as there are over 650 in all. Acne- Aids - allergies - appendicitis - arthritis - athletes foot - bladder infection - blood parasites - blood poisoning- boils - burns - cancer - candida - chronic fatigue - colitis - conjunctivitis - cystitis - dandruff- dermatitis - diabetes - diphtheria - eczema - gastro-enteritis - gonorrhoea - hayfever- hepatitis - herpes - impetigo - indigestion - keratitus - leprosy - leukaemia - malaria - meningitis - neurasthenia - parasitic infection - pneumonia - prostate infection - pruritis ani - psoriasis - rheumatics - rhinitis - ring worm - scarlet fever - septic conditions - seborreah septicaemia - shingles - staph and streptococcal - ulcers - viruses - warts - yeast infections etc..
Below are some articles and information that I find pertinent to this subject. It absolutely sickens me to think that my own government would put the jeopardy of its own people at risk, although I guess I shouldn’t be very surprised. I have lived with this disease for 11 years of my life, taken medicines that have made me ill and never seem to do what they are supposed to, for what? I think of all the people who have died and it makes me angry, and thinking about what I have gone through over the years makes me even more angry, especially being that it wasn’t necessary for me to go through one day of agony, one day of throwing up because the medication was just so awful, living through a horrible bout of shingles, this list goes on and on.
I have no idea if colloidal silver will help me any way, but I sure intend on trying it out to see what happens, and I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated.

Boyd Graves

Earth Clinic (Aids Treatments)

Colloidal Silver (In HIV/Aids Treatments)

Natural Health and Resource Center (About Colloidal Silver)

Silver Colloids (Scientific Research)

Cure Zone (Find several articles relating to Aids/Hiv)

Dovely’s Nest (The Use of Apple Cider Vinegar as a cure all)

"It Can't Happen To Me!"

2005-04-08T19:38:00.000-07:00

If you have teenagers, you may want to have them take a peek at this because I know so many kids these days are sexually active and don’t ever think about the consequences of their actions.
I was never sexually promiscuous. In fact, I can count how many men I have been sexually active with on ONE hand, and can name each person without a thought. I was like anyone else, didn’t think it could happen to me, but it did. Before I met this man, I had only been with one other, so I knew that I wasn’t a risk as far as passing anything along to him. We had discussed HIV and he assured me that he did not have it, and foolishly without anything but his word, I believed him. That’s love for ya. This man was in and out of prison, abused me physically as well as mentally, cheated on me, and by the end of our relationship had me pretty much feeling like a piece of dirt not worthy of anyone’s love. He is a perfect example of your basic everyday scum of the earth man.
When I found out that he had cheated on me yet again, I tried committing suicide and spent a few days in the hospital. Around this time my brother was visiting from college and convinced me to move south and stay with him while I got myself back on my feet. I had lost my job due to suicide attempt, and basically, my brother just wanted me out of the situation and away from the man who had done this to me.
After moving south I was still in contact with the man, him constantly telling me how much he loved me and how he was so sorry for what he had done. We had discussed him making the move with me; however my brother and sister would never allow him to stay with them, so I had to get my own place. I worked toward doing so and later found out that he had married the woman he had cheated on me with, and was basically playing me to send him money whenever he needed it. Like a fool, I fell for it. He had been in and out of the hospital during this time and whenever I talked to him he said that he had serious liver damage that was causing his illnesses. I should have realized during one phone conversation when he said, “I don’t have AIDS!” and he was very angry about it. I simply said, not knowing, “I never said you did.” It didn’t even occur to me that he did.
A few months after his marriage to the other woman I received a phone call from his step sister. She told me that he did in fact have Aids and that I should get checked out immediately to make sure I was okay. I talked to my sister about it, and we both got tested. Unfortunately the news wasn’t as good for me as it was for her. I was in a state of disbelief, pretty much shattered. I fell apart. My sister was at work when I got the phone call, I called her, and she immediately came home, called my dad and told him, and then we went to stay with him for a couple of days.
I have to say that throughout it all, my family has always been there for me and always supportive, and still are to this day. I can never say “Thank You” to them enough for always being there for me and lending a helping hand if I needed it.
Once I was able to pull myself together and talk with family, I simply put it in my head that I was going to fight this with all I had, and that I have done. I was diagnosed in 1994, and here I am, still fighting today.
Of course the above is condensed quite a lot, but I hope that anyone who reads this will get the gist of what I’m trying to say. Just because you think you know who you are fooling around with, don’t do it unless you both are checked for any STD’s first. There are a lot of clinics out there that will do the tests free of charge. Don’t think that condoms are going to be your saving grace either. Now days, the only safe route to go, is to wait until you are married and you both have been tested, period.
There are so many people out there who do not understand what it’s like to live with HIV, and yes, there is a difference between having HIV and Aids. I hope that maybe I can shed some light on it through my experiences and maybe open the minds of some of those out there that are so closed minded to the issue. So, there you have it. A woman, two partners, and ended up with a life long disease with no cure. Go figure. You think it can’t happen to you? Think again.

Opening Day

2005-04-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

Hello to All. This blog will be about me, and how I have survived with living with HIV. It's not always been an easy road. I'll fill you in on how it all began, and how it's going now. I also let you in on the emotional side of living with HIV. I have another blog page that I started recently that covers a totally different topic, however I felt it prudent that this be apart from that side of me.
Stay tuned to what is to come. I am sure some will find it educational, others will find it moving, some may even find it sad; It's me, myself and I.